"Dear Stang,
I hope you answer my question, I know you are busy n stuff but if you get a chance, I want to know what you think.  If you don't answer me I will understand cause I read what you write n you write a lot so I don't know if you will have time for me or not.  Here is my problem.

I am 17 an still in high school.  I been with the same guy since my freshman year but we don't get along too good.  We fight about dumb stuff like he don't call me back when he say he gonna and when I try to do stuff with him, he always too busy but he ain't never too busy to go out with his boyz.  They call him and he just up and go but he puts me off.  When I do see him, I look at his phone and I can tell he been deleting calls.  I know that cause he might see me at night but no calls show on his phone from that day, they will be from the day before and stuff.  He do his texts like that too.  I think he is cheating on me but I can't prove it and I don't know what to do.  I love him and I want to stay with him.  We talk about getting married after high school n having a family but I don't know if he means it. 

There is this other cute guy at school that likes me but I don't want to hook up with him cause I am still with my b/f.   I don't know what to do, I'm confused.  Thank you for reading this.  Have a good day.

Signed,
Lost"

Lost,
You have a lot on your plate.  I know you're in love and that is a great feeling but it's my guess that if you are 17, you are probably either a Junior or a Senior in high school.  School has to be your main focus.  Those guys are going to come and go but finishing school is one of the most important things you can do with your life. 

Okay, moving on to your boyfriend problem.  First of all, I think that phones are personal and he's deleting things because he knows that you are looking through it.  I don't suggest snooping, I think it's shady but since you've already done it and he knows you do it, I would just ask him straight up, why.  If you ask him that though you have to be ready for whatever he tells you.  If I have to go by what you just told me, I would say that you have cause to be worried. 

You have two choices, either wait it out and see what happens or go on and move forward without him.  I can tell by your letter that what you want to do is stay with him but if he is not seeing you a lot and is neglecting you, you are allowing him to do it.  If he's too busy to hang out with his girlfriend but hangs out with his friends, he is showing you what his priorities are.  I think that you deserve to be treated better but only you can make that choice.  You have every reason to wonder if he is really out with the guys or with someone else and as much as I hate to say it, I think there may be someone else he's spending time with but as I said, it's up to you if you stick around and wait for the big shoe to drop.  My mom used to tell me that "anything you do in the dark shall come to the light".  She was right.

It's nice to talk about getting married and many people do marry their high school sweetheart but if this is how he is acting now, I doubt that things would be much better if you two got married, just consider that.  At 17 though, I would put getting married right out of school in the back of your mind.  After high school, you might want to go to college or get some technical training, you have a life to build for yourself and that is a process.  I'd be in no hurry to get married.  Live life, get the experience and if it's meant to be it will be.

Now, about this other guy.  I know he attention is flattering but if you are going to make a move to a new guy, do it because it's what you really want, not to just trade one guy in for another.  If you choose to move on from your current relationship, I would consider taking some down time and just hang out with friends.  At this point in your life, the world is at your feet but by going from one relationship into another does not give you time to exhale.  You will end up taking the baggage from this relationship into a new one if you don't spend some time on you. 

It sounds like you have a really full plate right now, just take one thing at a time and work through it and you will find, all the chips will fall in place.  I am going to go out on a limb here though and tell you that if you are sexually active, please make sure you are practicing safe sex, no one else will look out for your health but you and your parents.  I would also suggest that you talk to your parents or another adult you trust to help you work through some of these things.  I'd love to see you change your name from "Lost" to "Found Myself".........lol

Good luck to you

I am so glad that I finally got another letter for the "Ask Stang" column.  It has been a while since I had gotten any and it feels good to be able to help make things easier for someone.  So, here goes:

"Dear Stang,
I have a teenage daughter that just can't seem to do what she's told.  We argue a lot and it makes me mad that I have to keep repeating myself over and over.  I don't understand why because she is a smart girl but can't seem to follow simple instructions.  She doesn't come home on time, doesn't do chores, slacks on homework and everything I say goes in one ear and out the other.  I don't know if this is something you can help me with but I will listen to whatever you say because I'm at my wits end.

Thanks for your time,
Pooped Out Parent"

Pooped,
The reality is that she behaves the way she does because she's been allowed to do it and get away with it.  Parenting is hard and it takes a certain amount of creativity.  I actually had this conversation with someone else just the other day. 

First off, if she is not doing her school work or chores at home, why is what time she comes in even an issue?  If she is not doing what she's supposed to do, there is no real reason she should be doing the things she WANTS to do.  That is a great way to teach her that it's okay to be irresponsible. 

Although they rebel, children of all ages really do require structure.  Not only is structure desired, it's necessary if you are going to be in control of  your house.  She is runnin shit right now, she telling you what she is going to do and not going to do, not in words maybe, but by her behavior and you are allowing it. 

Since she is smart enough to manipulate you, she is also showing that she is an intelligent young lady and repeating yourself is a waste of time and breath, she hears and understands what you are saying but she also knows that it's hot air.  Here are some things that may help, the initial implementation of this is going to be hard and there will be a lot of confrontation but if you stick to your guns, she will respond eventually, so here goes:

1.  Give her a directive one time.  At the same time, tell here what the consequences will be for not following it.

2.  Have her repeat back to you the directive as well as the consequence, that way you'll know she hears and understands.

3.  Leave her alone to follow the directive, if she doesn't then you implement the consequence the two of you discussed, IMMEDIATELY.  Waiting too long makes it pointless, she has to understand that her consequence is directly related to her actions or her inaction, depending on the situation.

4.  Don't back down.  She will have a total hissy fit when you actually impose the consequence but as long as she's having a fit and serving her consequences then the big battle has actually been won.  She knows you mean business.

5.  Use natural consequences, if she goes out and breaks curfew then you may want to try something like grounding here and when she's ungrounded, making her curfew earlier.  Explain to her that if she is not responsible enough to be home by curfew then she's not responsible enough to go out and therefore she needs to come in earlier until she shows some responsibility.

There is no reason to say the same thing over and over, she gets it, trust me.  As far as school is concerned, you may need to talk to her school counselor and put something in place to make sure she's writing her assignments down and getting them done.  One thing that works well is using an assignment notebook, having the teacher sign off on the fact she's written down the assignment completely.  When she comes home, check the book, have her do her homework and then check it against the assignment book, sign it and then have the teacher sign the book again that the homework was turned in.  After that, check in with the school once a week or so to make sure nothing is falling through the cracks. 

The message has to be clear, you are the parent, you make the rules and she needs to follow them.  It's really that simple.  Since her behavior has gone unchecked for so long, you will have some stressful moments but as she sees your consistency, she'll fall in line.  Just remember, young people only respond to structure if it's consistent.  Changing horses in the middle of the race is not going to do anything but cause you more stress.

I hope this has helped some and I wish you the best of luck, let me know how things work out for you.

I really enjoy getting letters from my readers.  Most of them are romance related so when I get one that's not, I am flattered that people are interested enough in what I have to say to jot me a note.

"Dear Miss Stang,
I have three kids and have had to move around a lot to take jobs.  I hate to keep moving the kids but I also have to work so I can feed them and keep a roof over their heads.  My oldest two seem to do fine with the moves but my youngest girl is not doing so good.  She is 6 and when I ask her to do stuff she has a tantrum then when I try and get her to mind me anyway she really goes off.  I don't have contact with her dad and I am tired of me and her fighting all the time. 

What has gotten even worse is that she is starting to hit her older kids and when they hit her back she comes to me to try and get them into trouble.  I don't know what to do with her anymore and I have read your other stuff and thought you might be able to shed some light on this for me if you have time.  Thank you.

Frustrated in Florida"

Dear Frustrated,
Sounds like you have your hands full.  It sounds like your youngest daughter is having trouble adjusting to all of the moves.  It's really hard on younger kids when they have to leave their friends.  The whole process of kids forming relationships and then having to break them to start over is rough and is going to be rough on you for a while too.

It also sounds like to me that if you take her to therapy they might diagnose her with the temporary diagnoses of "adjustment disorder".  Kids need structure and consistency.  Without structure and consistency kids don't feel "safe" and when they are not feeling "safe" they have the tendency to act out very much in the manner you have described.

A few things you might want to try are things like behavior charting kind of like they use in grade schools.  If she has a good day in school and does what she is supposed to do that day you can give her some sort of "perk" and at the end of the week, if she gets all of her stars then you might want to consider finding something the two of you to do to celebrate her having a good week.  If she does not earn her star that day, have her tell YOU why she didn't.  It is going to be very important that she learns how to become responsible and accountable for her own behavior.

Something else, don't argue with her.  She is 6 and you are the parent.  When you argue with her, you have switched hats from being a parent to being a peer and she will treat you as such.  So if you want her room clean and she won't clean it, then you can have her just stay in her room until it's finished or you can offer to do it for her which would entail you taking a huge trash bag and throwing out the things that are laying around.  Oh and you might want to look up some articles on positive and negative reinforcement and use positive reinforcement any chance you get.

You might have to bear down a little hard for a while but if you stay firm, fair and true to your word then she will eventually get the idea.  I wish you the best of luck on this and if you get a chance, drop back in and let me know how it is going. 

It's seldom that I get letters from people that are not too far from me, not that it matters, it's just nice to know that people who are at least in the same state read the column.  Okay here goes:

"Dear Stang,
I have been single now for almost 5 years.  I seem to meet men who are either not at the same place in their life that I am in mine.  I am financially independent and I like men who are good communicators.  I met a man online a few weeks ago and we chatted on yahoo and we are both physically attracted to one another but I don't want to go to bed with every man I think looks good.  We have a lot in common but he is very preoccupied with meeting me for sex.  He has pages on Myspace and Facebook and I requested that he add me on each but he has not added me on either yet he still says that  I am the kind of woman he wants.  I wonder if I go ahead and meet him if maybe he will see that I am a woman worth having or should I think he is out for the sex and no more? He told me that he doesn't do long distance relationships and building relationships takes time but he is really persistant about having sex.  What do you think?

- Muddled In Missouri"

Muddled, you have to follow your gut.  It's been my experience that if a guy is really pressing for the sex thing and won't add you to any of his social networking pages then he really doesn't want anything to do with you beyond a sexual relationship.  I'll even go further to say that he wants nothing more from you than a one night stand.  He does't want you on his social networking pages for one of two reasons.  The first is because he does not plan to keep you around for long, the second, he's probably already attached and is looking to step out on his significant other.  Those are all kinds of red flags. 

I do the same thing you do when I meet someone new who is expressing an interest, I look them up on the social networking sites and send them a request and I don't always announce that I am doing it or that I have done it.  If they accept then they don't mind that his friends, family or whomever sees me.  If they don't then I figure they have other things going on.

I can't tell you what to do with your life but I will tell you this.  If you want to go meet this guy, take all of the precautions available but go into it knowing that all he wants is sex and you should not expect a call back or for him to form any kind of relationship with you other than a physical one because I would be willing to bet he's already tied down and you're just something "strange".  If you are okay with that than do what you feel like doing but if having a realy b/f per se is important to you then I would pass on this.  Someone else that you find attractive and intellectually stimulating will come by and give you what you need.  Don't settle or sell yourself short because another thing you won't get if you go and meet this guy for sex is his respect.  I think I would just send him packing and wish him the best on the way out the door.

I received this letter in my Myspace mail and I thought it was a great question for this column.  The reader writes:

"Sometime in the past, you told me to stay away from black planet right? So I listened and now I'm on black people meet .com as in i paid for a subscription so im taking it seriously. Now, the question is , cause you may know , why don't women take them seriously ? They always have some kind of half assed page with stank ass diva poses, showing bad ink and stretchmarks,and toys in the backround claiming that they don't kids. It's annoying ! I'm wondering if women even have to pay to be on these sites like we do. Why cant these people be direct and straight to the point? maybe I'm talkin this too seriously......

Signed

*Name Undisclosed to Protect Confidentiality"

     I have been on some "pay" singles sites in the past and have noticed that as well.  This problem is not just a female issue, there are some of these issues that apply to men as well so I'll break it down the best that I can.

    First thing is that most of those sites are guy heavy, meaning that there are far more men on the site than women.  Profiles on singles sites as far as any site is concerned is a form of advertising.  Women have learned that sex sells and they will do what they need to do in order to attract the attention.  What happens a lot of times in that case though, when a woman on a dating site has it all showing is she begins to wonder why all the men she attracts are only attracted to her sexually.  I have risque pictures on some sites but when I was a member of some of the paid sites, I posted my most conservative pictures so that men would not automatically assume I was easy and just out looking for random sex.  I don't care how grimy the ass or how bad the ink, some guy is going to write that woman and tell her how fine she is.  To someone she may be so I think the kinds of pictures that people post on the pay sites dictate what kind of responses she's going to receive.  This attention is also a major boost to the ego.

     LOL @ showing the toys in the background and saying she doesn't have kids.  I have no clue why people feel the need to lie, especially if they are in the market to actually meet someone.  Guys tend to do the same thing but they lie about two things, penis size and height.  The way I've always seen it is that if you are going to meet someone in person, why set yourself up for failure like that.  Guys and their height have gotten so bad that I now ask men if they are their real height or internet height.  Internet hight tends to be about two inches shorter than what he's got listed.  People who have to lie about their body, lifestyle or something else to gain attention are feeling inferior and is hoping to paint a pretty enough picture to get them through he door.

     The incomplete profile.  The drives me nuts on both the free social networking sites as well as the pay sites. I just tend to ignore them and keep pushing because to me they are either being lazy and just creating a profile so they can look and see what's out there before they consider putting up information.  On the pay site's I've been on, I listed in my description that if they didn't have a picture or a complete profile that includes a recent body shot, don't waste his or my time by hitting me up, I'm not going to answer.  Something else I have learned being on the net so much is that if they don't have a picture and are only willing to email one, that they are either not who they are claiming to be or are already in some committed relationship.

     The no picture thing is a deal breaker to me and I've heard the excuses "I can't figure out how to load a picture on here", "I don't have any pictures stored on this PC, it's a new one" or "I am a good looking person and I want to be judged on based on my personality and not my looks".  Umm okay you do that.  With someone else.  I like to know who I'm chatting with and with everyone having a camera phone or digital camera there is no reason for a person to be on a dating site with no picture.  What good is that, I can't see anyone wanting to get to know someone that they can't see but have the benefit of seeing us.

     Long story short, yes, women pay to be on those sites as well but the ones who are taking advantage of "free trial memberships" and the like are usually those who have half assed profiles.  I would venture to guarnantee that if a woman is paying 30 or so bucks a month for a profile on a dating site, she is going to put forth way more effort than those who are just there taking up space.  If you see  a half assed profile, no matter how pretty she is, I would probably just kick, push and move on.

     I hope this answers your questions.  Best of luck to you.

    I know I've been gone a while...again and now that the school load has lightened up a bit, I have more time to get back to what I enjoy doing...blogging and answering your questions.  So today I was on twitter and someone posed a question and I thought it would be great to address in the "Ask Stang" column so here goes:

"LADIES: if you and ur man walked in ur room and a empty condom wrapper was on the floor would u question him or try to hide it????"

    Okay so my twitter answer was " I don't usually cheat...If I walked in my & my man's room (assuming I had one) & Saw A Condom Wrapper, I'd not ask him, he'd move..."

    I know that sounds like it in a nutshell but let me elaborate on somethings.  I don't advocate cheating at all but if the condom is in the bedroom that is shared by a couple that are in a living together type of relationship, someone has rolled FOUL!  Cheating is bad enough but to do so in the "marital" bed so do speak shows more disrespect that I can even articulate.  There is the rare occasion that adultery could be forgiven and an attempt made to mend the relationship (not in MY world but some people get down like that these days) but I don't see any mending in laying in bed at night and knowing that he screwed someone else in it........and don't let it be a bed I bought and paid for, that's almost grounds for murder....lol 

    So, when I said I would not ask my man anything, he'd just move, that's what I meant.  If I found a condom wrapper on our bedroom floor and I know I had nothing to do with it, he'd better have the rest of the box in his suitcase and forward his mail to whomever was special enough to have sex with him in "our" room because that will be where he'll need to go.

    On the other hand, if you are a cheater and you're messy enough to leave wrappers laying around, I'd try and hide it.  If it turns out it's he is cheating, he is not going to ask you "Hey baby, did you grab that condom wrapper off the floor?"  The condom is going to go unmentioned but if he's noticed it's there then gone and he's NOT cheating and you're caught....be grown and just be caught.  If you're big enough to do it, be big enough to own it.  If you don't want to be honest because of the risk involved, then you should have figured the risk factor before you cheated in the first place, be it in your home or elsewhere.




         

"i dont know if u already have a blog about this but me and my friend have been encountering a prob of men who are interested but just damn scared to death........I am sure u have scared the shit out of many men LMAO

I figure if i am fortunate enuff to know what i want i should go for it but is this wrong? Should women be a little harder to get?

Diva pls help...."

I have heard this a lot.  Being too aggressive can really send him heading for the hills.  If you really like a guy, he's worth getting to know and finding out what his fears are.

In many cases, his fears are leftover baggage from a relationship that's gone straight to hell and as a result, him being really hurt.  Instead of needing a locomotive of a woman trying to run in and make it all better, he may need time with the woman he is interested in so he can learn to trust that she will not repeat the same behavior that hurt him in the first place. 

Additionally, what he has going on may be something that no woman or partner can fix, they may be issues that he needs to reconcile before he can really be a working part of any romantic relationship.  Baggage is a real bitch but to try and work on something with someone without first learning the problem is like calling an auto mechanic and saying "my car is going 'thump thump' can you fix it?"  That's just not enough information. 

Just give him time, get to know what's going on then maybe you can plan accordingly.

Best of luck to you.

"Yo Stang,

I have been dating this girl since September.  I thought I really liked her and we got all close and stuff.  Now I am helping her with some of her bills but I see that she is a bit lazy and doesn't like to do some of the same shit I like to do.  I am not feeling her like I thought I was but I don't want to look like an asshole.  She is really cool and stuff just not what I am looking for.  What do you think?

Muddled In Miami"


Muddled,

You've been seeing this woman since September and you're paying her bills already?  Have you lost your fuckin mind?  Yeah she's lazy, she doesn't have to DO shit since she's got you. 

Okay, if you are not getting what you need from this relationship, there is no need to keep the both of you tied up.  It's time to move on.  You said she's nice but you're not feelin her, there is nothing she can do to change that, it's either there or it's not.  You would look like the asshole for sure if you strung her along or just stopped talking to her all together.  It's important that you're honest with her.  Sure, her feelings will be hurt but I am fairly confident she'll find someone else just like she found you.

Now about these bills, fool. If you have made a commitment to pay these bills and they are her bills and her bills alone, you might consider offering her one more round of "free drinks" per se then she's on her own.  If she comes out of her face and is all indignant about the break up, you may not even want to offer that but in all fairness it might be a good idea to give her time to either find someone else to pay them or re budget her money to pay them her damn self like the rest of the adult world.  My preference would be the latter of the two.

Life is too short to be unhappy, you're not married and really you all have not been together that long, you might want to consider your options now rather than stretching things out and making them more complicated and costly.

Good Luck To You

"I saw you had some note on your stangzine site about you answering questions. I just landed a job and have to relocate out to pittsburg. I am too shy / lazy to go on out to clubs meeting new people, so i decided to go on black planet myspace looking for , ill admit single women , to kind of shoot shit with and show me around. being constantly in the city people are more awaere of whats going on in life, but looking through some of these profiles, these women are either hopelessly dumb,lazy,boring or way too attracted to the lord . So i guess how would you go about finding some decent people to hang with in a new town ?

Pimpin In Pittsburgh"

Well dang, Pimpin, I'm glad that you hit the site and even more glad that you actually read this colum.  Now I'll quit stroking your ego and just get on with it....*smiles*

First and foremost, leave Black Planet alone!!  Did you hear me?  Leave Black Planet ALONE!!!  I had an account there for a while and that is just a hot ghetto mess in and of itself.  With FREE sites you get all kinds of crazy random folks because anyone will join something for free, it might work better for you if you find an inexpensive site and interact with people there.

Why?  Same reason a mortgage companies charge mortgage insurance on a home unless you've paid 20% down.  The companies believe that if you are financially invested in the property then you are less likely to default.  Same thing on "meet and greet" sites.  If someone is tossin down just a little bit of money, even if it's $5 or $10 dollars a month they are more likely to be more active and a bit more genuine in their intent.  FREE brings all kinds of people out of the woodwork and takes way too long to weed though.  Did I mention......get OFF of Black Planet?...lol

Secondly, everyone has their dating preferences and I don't know about yours but try not limiting yourself to "race based" sites.  Singlesnet is pretty cool but sites were people just want to meet people and don't care about race may open your options.

Next......if you can....GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  Go do something.  It takes a really outgoing person to meet people the old fashioned way but you know, men did meet women before the advent of the internet.  Do things you enjoy doing, get some of your friends together and go do some things that you like to do, if you do that then you can meet people that share your iterest.

Finally, I'm not sure if you have attached yourself to a church in Pittsburgh yet but try that.  The church has many activities to become a part of and that too is a great way to meet people.  NO!!  I'm NOT telling you to go to church to meet women but you know, almost every woman has a friend or two...*smiles*

I hope some of this helps, let me know.

After a much needed hiatus, it's time for me to get back to doing what I like to do and that's getting in folk's business, so let's do this:

"Hey Stang,
My friend and me both met this girl online on site we chill at.  He met her first, like a day or something before I did.  She was talking to us both and my friend is really feelin her but she likes me and I like her too.  We talk online and stuff and I don't know if we will ever meet but I don't want to mess up my friendship either.

Much Luv,

Panicked in Portland"

I have a rule of thumb about things like this, guys have their "bros before hos" rule and I'm inclined to think it applies on both on and offline relationships.  People get things all messed up because there is the concept that it's "just the net".  I have developed some very REAL friendships and very REAL relationships in this "just the net" world we play in. 

I would like to think that although you say now that you'd never meet her, should conversation get good and you all get close enough that could change.  I would just though the whole thing under a bus, baby, bath water and all because I value my friendships to the level that I understand when guys come and go, they don't.  I may not like it but in the long run, I have found that saving the friendship and finding another partner usually keeps the peace.

The other choice is to talk to you friend, see how he really feels but if he's in too deep, you might just want to cut the line.