Just Ask Stang

Lost In Love

Stang — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 08:51:00 GMT

"Dear Stang,
I hope you answer my question, I know you are busy n stuff but if you get a chance, I want to know what you think. If you don't answer me I will understand cause I read what you write n you write a lot so I don't know if you will have time for me or not. Here is my problem.

I am 17 an still in high school. I been with the same guy since my freshman year but we don't get along too good. We fight about dumb stuff like he don't call me back when he say he gonna and when I try to do stuff with him, he always too busy but he ain't never too busy to go out with his boyz. They call him and he just up and go but he puts me off. When I do see him, I look at his phone and I can tell he been deleting calls. I know that cause he might see me at night but no calls show on his phone from that day, they will be from the day before and stuff. He do his texts like that too. I think he is cheating on me but I can't prove it and I don't know what to do. I love him and I want to stay with him. We talk about getting married after high school n having a family but I don't know if he means it.

There is this other cute guy at school that likes me but I don't want to hook up with him cause I am still with my b/f. I don't know what to do, I'm confused. Thank you for reading this. Have a good day.

Signed,
Lost"

Lost,
You have a lot on your plate. I know you're in love and that is a great feeling but it's my guess that if you are 17, you are probably either a Junior or a Senior in high school. School has to be your main focus. Those guys are going to come and go but finishing school is one of the most important things you can do with your life.

Okay, moving on to your boyfriend problem. First of all, I think that phones are personal and he's deleting things because he knows that you are looking through it. I don't suggest snooping, I think it's shady but since you've already done it and he knows you do it, I would just ask him straight up, why. If you ask him that though you have to be ready for whatever he tells you. If I have to go by what you just told me, I would say that you have cause to be worried.

You have two choices, either wait it out and see what happens or go on and move forward without him. I can tell by your letter that what you want to do is stay with him but if he is not seeing you a lot and is neglecting you, you are allowing him to do it. If he's too busy to hang out with his girlfriend but hangs out with his friends, he is showing you what his priorities are. I think that you deserve to be treated better but only you can make that choice. You have every reason to wonder if he is really out with the guys or with someone else and as much as I hate to say it, I think there may be someone else he's spending time with but as I said, it's up to you if you stick around and wait for the big shoe to drop. My mom used to tell me that "anything you do in the dark shall come to the light". She was right.

It's nice to talk about getting married and many people do marry their high school sweetheart but if this is how he is acting now, I doubt that things would be much better if you two got married, just consider that. At 17 though, I would put getting married right out of school in the back of your mind. After high school, you might want to go to college or get some technical training, you have a life to build for yourself and that is a process. I'd be in no hurry to get married. Live life, get the experience and if it's meant to be it will be.

Now, about this other guy. I know he attention is flattering but if you are going to make a move to a new guy, do it because it's what you really want, not to just trade one guy in for another. If you choose to move on from your current relationship, I would consider taking some down time and just hang out with friends. At this point in your life, the world is at your feet but by going from one relationship into another does not give you time to exhale. You will end up taking the baggage from this relationship into a new one if you don't spend some time on you.

It sounds like you have a really full plate right now, just take one thing at a time and work through it and you will find, all the chips will fall in place. I am going to go out on a limb here though and tell you that if you are sexually active, please make sure you are practicing safe sex, no one else will look out for your health but you and your parents. I would also suggest that you talk to your parents or another adult you trust to help you work through some of these things. I'd love to see you change your name from "Lost" to "Found Myself".........lol

Good luck to you

Teen Troubles

Stang — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 08:08:00 GMT

I am so glad that I finally got another letter for the "Ask Stang" column. It has been a while since I had gotten any and it feels good to be able to help make things easier for someone. So, here goes:

"Dear Stang,
I have a teenage daughter that just can't seem to do what she's told. We argue a lot and it makes me mad that I have to keep repeating myself over and over. I don't understand why because she is a smart girl but can't seem to follow simple instructions. She doesn't come home on time, doesn't do chores, slacks on homework and everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. I don't know if this is something you can help me with but I will listen to whatever you say because I'm at my wits end.

Thanks for your time,
Pooped Out Parent"

Pooped,
The reality is that she behaves the way she does because she's been allowed to do it and get away with it. Parenting is hard and it takes a certain amount of creativity. I actually had this conversation with someone else just the other day.

First off, if she is not doing her school work or chores at home, why is what time she comes in even an issue? If she is not doing what she's supposed to do, there is no real reason she should be doing the things she WANTS to do. That is a great way to teach her that it's okay to be irresponsible.

Although they rebel, children of all ages really do require structure. Not only is structure desired, it's necessary if you are going to be in control of your house. She is runnin shit right now, she telling you what she is going to do and not going to do, not in words maybe, but by her behavior and you are allowing it.

Since she is smart enough to manipulate you, she is also showing that she is an intelligent young lady and repeating yourself is a waste of time and breath, she hears and understands what you are saying but she also knows that it's hot air. Here are some things that may help, the initial implementation of this is going to be hard and there will be a lot of confrontation but if you stick to your guns, she will respond eventually, so here goes:

1. Give her a directive one time. At the same time, tell here what the consequences will be for not following it.

2. Have her repeat back to you the directive as well as the consequence, that way you'll know she hears and understands.

3. Leave her alone to follow the directive, if she doesn't then you implement the consequence the two of you discussed, IMMEDIATELY. Waiting too long makes it pointless, she has to understand that her consequence is directly related to her actions or her inaction, depending on the situation.

4. Don't back down. She will have a total hissy fit when you actually impose the consequence but as long as she's having a fit and serving her consequences then the big battle has actually been won. She knows you mean business.

5. Use natural consequences, if she goes out and breaks curfew then you may want to try something like grounding here and when she's ungrounded, making her curfew earlier. Explain to her that if she is not responsible enough to be home by curfew then she's not responsible enough to go out and therefore she needs to come in earlier until she shows some responsibility.

There is no reason to say the same thing over and over, she gets it, trust me. As far as school is concerned, you may need to talk to her school counselor and put something in place to make sure she's writing her assignments down and getting them done. One thing that works well is using an assignment notebook, having the teacher sign off on the fact she's written down the assignment completely. When she comes home, check the book, have her do her homework and then check it against the assignment book, sign it and then have the teacher sign the book again that the homework was turned in. After that, check in with the school once a week or so to make sure nothing is falling through the cracks.

The message has to be clear, you are the parent, you make the rules and she needs to follow them. It's really that simple. Since her behavior has gone unchecked for so long, you will have some stressful moments but as she sees your consistency, she'll fall in line. Just remember, young people only respond to structure if it's consistent. Changing horses in the middle of the race is not going to do anything but cause you more stress.

I hope this has helped some and I wish you the best of luck, let me know how things work out for you.

Trouble With Tantrum Children

Stang — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:53:00 GMT

I really enjoy getting letters from my readers. Most of them are romance related so when I get one that's not, I am flattered that people are interested enough in what I have to say to jot me a note.

"Dear Miss Stang,
I have three kids and have had to move around a lot to take jobs. I hate to keep moving the kids but I also have to work so I can feed them and keep a roof over their heads. My oldest two seem to do fine with the moves but my youngest girl is not doing so good. She is 6 and when I ask her to do stuff she has a tantrum then when I try and get her to mind me anyway she really goes off. I don't have contact with her dad and I am tired of me and her fighting all the time.

What has gotten even worse is that she is starting to hit her older kids and when they hit her back she comes to me to try and get them into trouble. I don't know what to do with her anymore and I have read your other stuff and thought you might be able to shed some light on this for me if you have time. Thank you.

Frustrated in Florida"

Dear Frustrated,
Sounds like you have your hands full. It sounds like your youngest daughter is having trouble adjusting to all of the moves. It's really hard on younger kids when they have to leave their friends. The whole process of kids forming relationships and then having to break them to start over is rough and is going to be rough on you for a while too.

It also sounds like to me that if you take her to therapy they might diagnose her with the temporary diagnoses of "adjustment disorder". Kids need structure and consistency. Without structure and consistency kids don't feel "safe" and when they are not feeling "safe" they have the tendency to act out very much in the manner you have described.

A few things you might want to try are things like behavior charting kind of like they use in grade schools. If she has a good day in school and does what she is supposed to do that day you can give her some sort of "perk" and at the end of the week, if she gets all of her stars then you might want to consider finding something the two of you to do to celebrate her having a good week. If she does not earn her star that day, have her tell YOU why she didn't. It is going to be very important that she learns how to become responsible and accountable for her own behavior.

Something else, don't argue with her. She is 6 and you are the parent. When you argue with her, you have switched hats from being a parent to being a peer and she will treat you as such. So if you want her room clean and she won't clean it, then you can have her just stay in her room until it's finished or you can offer to do it for her which would entail you taking a huge trash bag and throwing out the things that are laying around. Oh and you might want to look up some articles on positive and negative reinforcement and use positive reinforcement any chance you get.

You might have to bear down a little hard for a while but if you stay firm, fair and true to your word then she will eventually get the idea. I wish you the best of luck on this and if you get a chance, drop back in and let me know how it is going.

You Can't Turn A Ho Into A House-Husband

Stang — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 07:21:00 GMT

It's seldom that I get letters from people that are not too far from me, not that it matters, it's just nice to know that people who are at least in the same state read the column. Okay here goes:

"Dear Stang,
I have been single now for almost 5 years. I seem to meet men who are either not at the same place in their life that I am in mine. I am financially independent and I like men who are good communicators. I met a man online a few weeks ago and we chatted on yahoo and we are both physically attracted to one another but I don't want to go to bed with every man I think looks good. We have a lot in common but he is very preoccupied with meeting me for sex. He has pages on Myspace and Facebook and I requested that he add me on each but he has not added me on either yet he still says that I am the kind of woman he wants. I wonder if I go ahead and meet him if maybe he will see that I am a woman worth having or should I think he is out for the sex and no more? He told me that he doesn't do long distance relationships and building relationships takes time but he is really persistant about having sex. What do you think?

- Muddled In Missouri"

Muddled, you have to follow your gut. It's been my experience that if a guy is really pressing for the sex thing and won't add you to any of his social networking pages then he really doesn't want anything to do with you beyond a sexual relationship. I'll even go further to say that he wants nothing more from you than a one night stand. He does't want you on his social networking pages for one of two reasons. The first is because he does not plan to keep you around for long, the second, he's probably already attached and is looking to step out on his significant other. Those are all kinds of red flags.

I do the same thing you do when I meet someone new who is expressing an interest, I look them up on the social networking sites and send them a request and I don't always announce that I am doing it or that I have done it. If they accept then they don't mind that his friends, family or whomever sees me. If they don't then I figure they have other things going on.

I can't tell you what to do with your life but I will tell you this. If you want to go meet this guy, take all of the precautions available but go into it knowing that all he wants is sex and you should not expect a call back or for him to form any kind of relationship with you other than a physical one because I would be willing to bet he's already tied down and you're just something "strange". If you are okay with that than do what you feel like doing but if having a realy b/f per se is important to you then I would pass on this. Someone else that you find attractive and intellectually stimulating will come by and give you what you need. Don't settle or sell yourself short because another thing you won't get if you go and meet this guy for sex is his respect. I think I would just send him packing and wish him the best on the way out the door.

Paid Dating Sites - Bargains or Bust?

Stang — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 04:59:00 GMT

I received this letter in my Myspace mail and I thought it was a great question for this column. The reader writes:

"Sometime in the past, you told me to stay away from black planet right? So I listened and now I'm on black people meet .com as in i paid for a subscription so im taking it seriously. Now, the question is , cause you may know , why don't women take them seriously ? They always have some kind of half assed page with stank ass diva poses, showing bad ink and stretchmarks,and toys in the backround claiming that they don't kids. It's annoying ! I'm wondering if women even have to pay to be on these sites like we do. Why cant these people be direct and straight to the point? maybe I'm talkin this too seriously......

Signed

*Name Undisclosed to Protect Confidentiality"

     I have been on some "pay" singles sites in the past and have noticed that as well. This problem is not just a female issue, there are some of these issues that apply to men as well so I'll break it down the best that I can.

    First thing is that most of those sites are guy heavy, meaning that there are far more men on the site than women. Profiles on singles sites as far as any site is concerned is a form of advertising. Women have learned that sex sells and they will do what they need to do in order to attract the attention. What happens a lot of times in that case though, when a woman on a dating site has it all showing is she begins to wonder why all the men she attracts are only attracted to her sexually. I have risque pictures on some sites but when I was a member of some of the paid sites, I posted my most conservative pictures so that men would not automatically assume I was easy and just out looking for random sex. I don't care how grimy the ass or how bad the ink, some guy is going to write that woman and tell her how fine she is. To someone she may be so I think the kinds of pictures that people post on the pay sites dictate what kind of responses she's going to receive. This attention is also a major boost to the ego.

     LOL @ showing the toys in the background and saying she doesn't have kids. I have no clue why people feel the need to lie, especially if they are in the market to actually meet someone. Guys tend to do the same thing but they lie about two things, penis size and height. The way I've always seen it is that if you are going to meet someone in person, why set yourself up for failure like that. Guys and their height have gotten so bad that I now ask men if they are their real height or internet height. Internet hight tends to be about two inches shorter than what he's got listed. People who have to lie about their body, lifestyle or something else to gain attention are feeling inferior and is hoping to paint a pretty enough picture to get them through he door.

     The incomplete profile. The drives me nuts on both the free social networking sites as well as the pay sites. I just tend to ignore them and keep pushing because to me they are either being lazy and just creating a profile so they can look and see what's out there before they consider putting up information. On the pay site's I've been on, I listed in my description that if they didn't have a picture or a complete profile that includes a recent body shot, don't waste his or my time by hitting me up, I'm not going to answer. Something else I have learned being on the net so much is that if they don't have a picture and are only willing to email one, that they are either not who they are claiming to be or are already in some committed relationship.

     The no picture thing is a deal breaker to me and I've heard the excuses "I can't figure out how to load a picture on here", "I don't have any pictures stored on this PC, it's a new one" or "I am a good looking person and I want to be judged on based on my personality and not my looks". Umm okay you do that. With someone else. I like to know who I'm chatting with and with everyone having a camera phone or digital camera there is no reason for a person to be on a dating site with no picture. What good is that, I can't see anyone wanting to get to know someone that they can't see but have the benefit of seeing us.

     Long story short, yes, women pay to be on those sites as well but the ones who are taking advantage of "free trial memberships" and the like are usually those who have half assed profiles. I would venture to guarnantee that if a woman is paying 30 or so bucks a month for a profile on a dating site, she is going to put forth way more effort than those who are just there taking up space. If you see a half assed profile, no matter how pretty she is, I would probably just kick, push and move on.

     I hope this answers your questions. Best of luck to you.

Who's Mess Is It Anyway?

Stang — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:41:00 GMT

    I know I've been gone a while...again and now that the school load has lightened up a bit, I have more time to get back to what I enjoy doing...blogging and answering your questions. So today I was on twitter and someone posed a question and I thought it would be great to address in the "Ask Stang" column so here goes:

"LADIES: if you and ur man walked in ur room and a empty condom wrapper was on the floor would u question him or try to hide it????"

    Okay so my twitter answer was " I don't usually cheat...If I walked in my & my man's room (assuming I had one) & Saw A Condom Wrapper, I'd not ask him, he'd move..."

    I know that sounds like it in a nutshell but let me elaborate on somethings. I don't advocate cheating at all but if the condom is in the bedroom that is shared by a couple that are in a living together type of relationship, someone has rolled FOUL! Cheating is bad enough but to do so in the "marital" bed so do speak shows more disrespect that I can even articulate. There is the rare occasion that adultery could be forgiven and an attempt made to mend the relationship (not in MY world but some people get down like that these days) but I don't see any mending in laying in bed at night and knowing that he screwed someone else in it........and don't let it be a bed I bought and paid for, that's almost grounds for murder....lol

    So, when I said I would not ask my man anything, he'd just move, that's what I meant. If I found a condom wrapper on our bedroom floor and I know I had nothing to do with it, he'd better have the rest of the box in his suitcase and forward his mail to whomever was special enough to have sex with him in "our" room because that will be where he'll need to go.

    On the other hand, if you are a cheater and you're messy enough to leave wrappers laying around, I'd try and hide it. If it turns out it's he is cheating, he is not going to ask you "Hey baby, did you grab that condom wrapper off the floor?" The condom is going to go unmentioned but if he's noticed it's there then gone and he's NOT cheating and you're caught....be grown and just be caught. If you're big enough to do it, be big enough to own it. If you don't want to be honest because of the risk involved, then you should have figured the risk factor before you cheated in the first place, be it in your home or elsewhere.

Go For What You Know Or Play Hard To Get?

Stang — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:59:00 GMT

"i dont know if u already have a blog about this but me and my friend have been encountering a prob of men who are interested but just damn scared to death........I am sure u have scared the shit out of many men LMAO

I figure if i am fortunate enuff to know what i want i should go for it but is this wrong? Should women be a little harder to get?

Diva pls help...."

I have heard this a lot. Being too aggressive can really send him heading for the hills. If you really like a guy, he's worth getting to know and finding out what his fears are.

In many cases, his fears are leftover baggage from a relationship that's gone straight to hell and as a result, him being really hurt. Instead of needing a locomotive of a woman trying to run in and make it all better, he may need time with the woman he is interested in so he can learn to trust that she will not repeat the same behavior that hurt him in the first place.

Additionally, what he has going on may be something that no woman or partner can fix, they may be issues that he needs to reconcile before he can really be a working part of any romantic relationship. Baggage is a real bitch but to try and work on something with someone without first learning the problem is like calling an auto mechanic and saying "my car is going 'thump thump' can you fix it?" That's just not enough information.

Just give him time, get to know what's going on then maybe you can plan accordingly.

Best of luck to you.

My Money, Her Happiness?

Stang — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:02:00 GMT

"Yo Stang,

I have been dating this girl since September. I thought I really liked her and we got all close and stuff. Now I am helping her with some of her bills but I see that she is a bit lazy and doesn't like to do some of the same shit I like to do. I am not feeling her like I thought I was but I don't want to look like an asshole. She is really cool and stuff just not what I am looking for. What do you think?

Muddled In Miami"

Muddled,

You've been seeing this woman since September and you're paying her bills already? Have you lost your fuckin mind? Yeah she's lazy, she doesn't have to DO shit since she's got you.

Okay, if you are not getting what you need from this relationship, there is no need to keep the both of you tied up. It's time to move on. You said she's nice but you're not feelin her, there is nothing she can do to change that, it's either there or it's not. You would look like the asshole for sure if you strung her along or just stopped talking to her all together. It's important that you're honest with her. Sure, her feelings will be hurt but I am fairly confident she'll find someone else just like she found you.

Now about these bills, fool. If you have made a commitment to pay these bills and they are her bills and her bills alone, you might consider offering her one more round of "free drinks" per se then she's on her own. If she comes out of her face and is all indignant about the break up, you may not even want to offer that but in all fairness it might be a good idea to give her time to either find someone else to pay them or re budget her money to pay them her damn self like the rest of the adult world. My preference would be the latter of the two.

Life is too short to be unhappy, you're not married and really you all have not been together that long, you might want to consider your options now rather than stretching things out and making them more complicated and costly.

Good Luck To You

New Places - New Faces?

Stang — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:31:00 GMT

"I saw you had some note on your stangzine site about you answering questions. I just landed a job and have to relocate out to pittsburg. I am too shy / lazy to go on out to clubs meeting new people, so i decided to go on black planet myspace looking for , ill admit single women , to kind of shoot shit with and show me around. being constantly in the city people are more awaere of whats going on in life, but looking through some of these profiles, these women are either hopelessly dumb,lazy,boring or way too attracted to the lord . So i guess how would you go about finding some decent people to hang with in a new town ?

Pimpin In Pittsburgh"

Well dang, Pimpin, I'm glad that you hit the site and even more glad that you actually read this colum. Now I'll quit stroking your ego and just get on with it....*smiles*

First and foremost, leave Black Planet alone!! Did you hear me? Leave Black Planet ALONE!!! I had an account there for a while and that is just a hot ghetto mess in and of itself. With FREE sites you get all kinds of crazy random folks because anyone will join something for free, it might work better for you if you find an inexpensive site and interact with people there.

Why? Same reason a mortgage companies charge mortgage insurance on a home unless you've paid 20% down. The companies believe that if you are financially invested in the property then you are less likely to default. Same thing on "meet and greet" sites. If someone is tossin down just a little bit of money, even if it's $5 or $10 dollars a month they are more likely to be more active and a bit more genuine in their intent. FREE brings all kinds of people out of the woodwork and takes way too long to weed though. Did I mention......get OFF of Black Planet?...lol

Secondly, everyone has their dating preferences and I don't know about yours but try not limiting yourself to "race based" sites. Singlesnet is pretty cool but sites were people just want to meet people and don't care about race may open your options.

Next......if you can....GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Go do something. It takes a really outgoing person to meet people the old fashioned way but you know, men did meet women before the advent of the internet. Do things you enjoy doing, get some of your friends together and go do some things that you like to do, if you do that then you can meet people that share your iterest.

Finally, I'm not sure if you have attached yourself to a church in Pittsburgh yet but try that. The church has many activities to become a part of and that too is a great way to meet people. NO!! I'm NOT telling you to go to church to meet women but you know, almost every woman has a friend or two...*smiles*

I hope some of this helps, let me know.

Bros Before Hos?

Stang — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:41:00 GMT

After a much needed hiatus, it's time for me to get back to doing what I like to do and that's getting in folk's business, so let's do this:

"Hey Stang,
My friend and me both met this girl online on site we chill at. He met her first, like a day or something before I did. She was talking to us both and my friend is really feelin her but she likes me and I like her too. We talk online and stuff and I don't know if we will ever meet but I don't want to mess up my friendship either.

Much Luv,

Panicked in Portland"

I have a rule of thumb about things like this, guys have their "bros before hos" rule and I'm inclined to think it applies on both on and offline relationships. People get things all messed up because there is the concept that it's "just the net". I have developed some very REAL friendships and very REAL relationships in this "just the net" world we play in.

I would like to think that although you say now that you'd never meet her, should conversation get good and you all get close enough that could change. I would just though the whole thing under a bus, baby, bath water and all because I value my friendships to the level that I understand when guys come and go, they don't. I may not like it but in the long run, I have found that saving the friendship and finding another partner usually keeps the peace.

The other choice is to talk to you friend, see how he really feels but if he's in too deep, you might just want to cut the line.

How Far Can Friends Really Go?

Stang — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 08:07:00 GMT

I read this letter a few times before I actually agreed to touch this. I thought that by not addressing this writers letter that I would be abandoning the principle of the "Ask Stang" column by not answering a question that is considered "hard"..........so here goes.

"Dear Stang,
I know you already know that we have a friend who just recently lost her 3 month old baby to a very violent crime a few days ago. Since her baby died, I have seen her on the internet posting bulletins and things like that. Seeing her on the internet at this time just seems weird and inappropriate and don't know how to tell her that I think she should log off and spend time with her family.

Should I tell her what she should do and how bad it looks that she just lost her child but is hanging around collecting points on the site or should I keep my mouth shut and mind my own business? You always tell it like it is so I want to hear what you think.

Signed,
Wants To Be A Friend"

*Ugh* here goes. What happened to that young lady and her family is very, very sad. I have never lost a child so I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through right now. I would think that if I were in her shoes that I would be to distraught to log in but I say that NOW.

Everyone processes grief in their own way. What I do know about the site is there is the opportunity to make very "real" friends there, as I have done it and maybe she is feeling the need to surround herself with her friends right now. It could very well be them that is helping to keep her sane at this moment. I would not say that she's posting anything for points, she has enough points that in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter and I'm really sure she could give less than a damn about them.

On the flip side, by going public there since the forums are so open, she may be subjecting herself to some nasty statements made by people who only have half the story and have formed their own opinion. I am hoping she is ready for that aspect as well. Furthermore, I hope she realizes that the authorities will watch those posts while things are still under investigation.

Should you tell her?? I would say that it depends on your relationship with her. If you think you are close enough to her to have that conversation with her then it's worth a shot. I would not tell her that you think it's inappropriate as what is appropriate for you may not be appropriate for her. If you can have a private conversation with her, explain that you are concerned for her and back it up with clear reasons that her being so public online right now may affect her adversely at one time or another then it's worth a shot but you have to remember that all you are doing is offering her YOUR opinion and she may take it or leave it. Don't be offended if she leaves it and don't press her if she does not agree with you. This is a very sensitive time for her and needs her friends to be supportive and not on her ass about how she's dealing with this and spending her time.

I hope this helps, good luck and my prayers go out to her and her family.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

Stang — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:08:00 GMT

I've been getting a lot of mail from women, so I'm glad to see that the guys are finally starting to write in. Today, "Tired" writes:

"Dearest Stang,

It has been a while since I have seen this person but some time back in the Sumer of 2006 I happen to meet a truly wonderful lady and she has been just one of a hand few I really respected.

Well anyways this lady is truly special to me, we talked and talked had a nice meal and she made me feel good just sitting there and having a good conversation with no conflict.

She is attractive, intelligent and bright and I trust her but I just dont know how to go about telling her how much I really truly appreciated getting the opportunity in spending time and having dinner with her.

See, I dont normally trust many people but she had such a glow that it made me feel at ease and I would just like her to know how much I really appreciated getting to know her.

What could I do to just let her know?

Sincerely,

Really Tired"

Tired,
It sounds like the two of you are still friends. It's so rare that we meet people that touch us in a special place and I do mean above the waist.

It sounds like you may have to decide exactly what you want from her and where you want that relationship to go. If you just want her to know that you enjoyed her company then tell her that. If you are having the adult version of a crush, you may have to decide if you are willing to wear your heart on your sleeve, put all jokes aside, man up and just tell her how you feel. Casual flirting may not be enough as she may think you're kidding.

I am going to go out on a limb and say by your letter she really has an effect on you and if she makes you happy then don't let her slip through your fingers.

I hope this helps.

Three's A Crowd

Stang — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:02:00 GMT

Although I am the one primarily answering these questions, it's perfectly okay to comment and add your two cents, even if you do not agree with what I've said. I think that people sometimes get much better insight on things when discussions happen.

That said, this next letter comes from "Runaway" in Missouri.

"Dear Stang,
I an a bisexual woman who has a male roommate. After he and I lived together for a while, he and I decided to become romantically involved. I have started spending less time at home now because I have found out that he spends time with his ex girlfriend and I get tired of her calling him all the time, especially late at night.

I am the only one on the lease but he has a lease with me. I did that so he has a legal contract with me in case he decides not to pay his share of the rent and shit.

I am asking you because I know you will tell it like it is and I am interested in what you think.

Signed,
Runaway"

Gurl!!!!
The fact that you have put up with the ex situation makes you a much better woman than I am. I once had a boyfriend who had a lot of trouble establishing good boundaries with his friends of the opposite sex. Unless he has children with his ex I really do not see the need for him to have so much contact with her. I would also have a huge problem with her having unbridled access to him, especially late at night.

I would tell him how all of that makes you feel but in order for that to happen, even though I think he's fucking up huge and being inconsiderate, you two are not going to be able to have this conversation if you put him on the defensive. I think I would try the approach of telling him how his behavior makes you feel. For instance, instead of telling him "I think you are being inconsiderate", it may be worth your while to tell him something like "I am bothered by all of the unnecessary contact you have with your ex".

I know that sounds really soft but the one thing I have learned about people is that if they think they are doing nothing wrong, they will argue you down to the grave about why what they are doing is perfectly okay. It is much harder for people to argue you down about how you feel because those are your feelings and in a sense, there is no reasonable way for any "thinking" person to tell you that you are wrong for feeling a certain way.

If he is still unresponsive after your conversation, and is still wanting to hold on to his ex then maybe he needs to go back to her. It really sounds like he's wanting to have his cake and eat it too. The old saying is that "he/she is an ex for a reason" and if he can not be comfortable enough in his relationship with you to let her go then she needs to take over possession of the body. There is nothing you can say or do to her to make things change, that's not your responsibility to manage, it's his job. Apparently, he's not doing it.

I think that it's interesting that you felt the need to mention that you are bisexual. Although the ex is TOTALLY an issue I would also ask if you are a bit more intolerant of his behavior because in fact you may not want to be involved with a man right now, period. I know it sounds like a stretch and I am not trying to minimize the fact that he's messing up huge but if you are involved with a man and you'd really rather be with a woman right now, then chances of him doing anything, including getting rid of the ex, that makes you happy may not be possible.

It may be to your advantage to decide what it is that you really want. Asking him to move could be really sticky depending on the terms you all established in his lease with you. If your lease is verbal, you may be able to ask him to move because it's really hard to make a verbal agreement hold up in court. With that being the case, if your name is the only one on the original lease then legally it's your place and you don't have to let him stay but if the lease you have with him is in writing then you may offer him and out and see if he'll move on his own.

I hope things work out for you, drop in and let me know how it goes.

You Can Get With This....Or You Can Get With That

Stang — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 01:21:00 GMT

Well the letters are trickling in and I'm so glad because now that I'm only working part time, I need something to do...LOL. This letter comes all the way from Texas...

"Dear Stang,

Last year I met a lady who is really great. She holds a job, goes to school online and is very much there for her kids which I think makes her great in my book except the time. I am feeling left out of the loop. She says she wants it to work but then I don't see her trying to make the time it takes to make it work.

Now enter another lady who is really attractive and intelligent and yes still wants to go out with me and yes she holds a good job too. I know the right thing to do is to break it off with lady number one but I just cant seem to find the words and in the mean time I know I cant take lady number two out until I finish things.

Do I want to break it off with lady number one? No but I feel she doesn't take our relationship seriously since she isn't trying to make time. two hours together once in two weeks just ain't getting it. My real question is should I come out and tell number one I want to date or should I see how the first date with lady number two goes?

Signed
Bendin Myeer"

Great, I can hardly get one date and you think YOU have problems...LOL!! I am not clear really on what conversations you have had with number one. "Wanting it to work out" is one thing but hell I want a million bucks too. Wanting is one thing, planning is another. If you are REALLY digging on #1 then you can have the conversation where you let her know that she is important to you and you want to move forward with her but need some commitment. This is where you all can discuss EXACTLY how you will do that and not leave it open ended.

It's perfectly fine to say "okay, I would like to see you 'enter hours/days per week here'..." Let her know that you understand that she has other things going on in her life and you are searching for a balance. Now if she dances around all that and is unwilling to really lay down what she's willing to do to "make it work" you an assume that she's really not that interested and move on. Don't let the door hit you in the ass.....

Now, I have given you the "I really want to save my relationship" thoughts.........the OTHER way I can read your letter is, as much as you really like number one, you've invested enough and it may be time to just move on.

If that's the case, then yes, you really should let #1 know that things just aren't working. Suggest that you see other people?? Give the "let's just be friend's speech"..........hell no.

Personally, I find both of those speeches to be insulting to my intelligence. If someone is telling me that we need to see other people, I automatically translate that into THEY want to see other people and I will when I get good and ready. Let's be friends?? Shit, I got friends..........if we are meant to be friends, we will be and not because it was announced during the ending of a relationship.

Bottom line, be honest with yourself about what you really want and then follow your gut......don't be afraid of losing one, the other not working because in all actuality..........something else will come along if those are the one's that are meant to be..........the sure thing is not always the best one.

Good Luck With This..........

She Says He's Just A Friend

Stang — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:42:00 GMT

Today's letter comes from "Mike" in Drrrrrrrty Joisey.....LOL.

"Please tell me how would you take this as if you were me? Karen is supposed to be my fiancee but after seeing comments to this guy Steve's mom, another guy she says is just a friend of hers but it looks like it could be more but she says no. When I talk to her on the phone she has an excuse for all of it.

This is the message I sent to his mom the person she was leaving these comments to but no response or reply back yet.

'Hey Brenda, I'm Mike. I'm engaged to Karen and when i came across your page tonight i seen some comments from Karen on your page.

And some of the things she said puzzled me. It looks at though she might have a relationship with Steve and if so, i would like to know so i can re-consider were me and her are in this relationship.

She says they are not together but I need to make sure that is the truth and i was wondering if maybe you could help me out because you might know something that I'm not being told from her.

Thanks for your time,
Mike '

Please tell me how you would take it???"

Mike, first let me thank you for letting me see the screen shots (pictures from the monitor that show the comments themselves) that you took of the comments that she left on Steve's mom's page. As promised, I won't post them here because they do have pictures in them and I respect everyone's privacy.

That said......I saw where she made comments like "Steve is so cute, I love him so much" and "Well I hope you kno Steve and I are together....and I mean he told me to fix his page and put my name on it.....and now he had someone change it to 'in a relationship with a good girl '"

Mike, I know you are in love with this woman, but I think her comments speak for themselves. If she's telling Steve's mother that they are together and in the land of community networking sites, changing relationship status on a page is pretty major. It appears to me that you are not the only man in her life. I don't know how you managed to believe her over your own eyes. It was there in black and white and you're so in love you're willing to doubt your own common sense. STOP THAT!!

Next, I'm not sure I would have written Steve's mom. Her loyalty is always going to be to her son, that's the way life goes. Now, I think dropping HIM a line is a better option if you really felt the need to write someone. After reading the comments she left though........I think the only thing I may have written would have been a good bye note, especially since she is choosing to be dishonest about things.

Mike, ultimately the decision is yours but don't lose sight of reality when you hold it in your hands, try not to ever let a woman get in the way of you using your head......if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.......it's probably AFLAC...........

Good Luck With This

Let Him Stay Dead Or Bring Him Back?

Stang — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 04:54:00 GMT

At the request of one of my friends, I started this "Ask Stang" column. Mind you, my opinions are just that, so here we go........my first question comes from Miss Thang on the East Coast......she writes:

Hey stang,
I have a question:
Over a year ago, there was this guy that used to try to get with me all
the time. He would always message me telling me that he wants to be with
me. So, one day, I see him sign on line and he messages me. But this time
its his "cousin" messaging me saying that he died and that his last
dying words was that he loved me. Immediately I thought it was bullshit,
but I just went along with and said how sorry I felt for what happened.

This happened over a year ago..... A few days ago, I wake up to a
message from him saying: hey baby, u remember me? I missed you!

Now, my questions is.... the next time he hits me up, should I:
A. curse him out
B. ignore him
C. act like I believed he was dead and think that he is back from the
dead to be with me. Lol

The first thing is I gotta tell you Miss Thang that you're a bad bitch if you're raising guys from the dead. There is an old cliché about letting sleeping dogs lay.....I would suggest leaving that dog right where he is. The one think you know for sure about him is that he's a liar with issues. Any man, or person for that fact, who would stoop so low as to cry dead to get your attention has no game and as far as I'm concerned, even less credibility. Who DOES that??

Gurl, leave that fool right where he is. I would not even waste my time and my breath to curse him out. He wants you to talk to him one way or another and to some people, negative attention is better than no attention at all. Mores so, he didn't talk to you while he was dead (dead all in the face of someone else, now that thing is over and he wants you to be the hollaback bitch) so there is no need to even burn your energy trying to even find out what he died of.

LOL @ option C.........I don't know about you, but I'm not down with zombies.......no matter how in love with me they claim to be..........LOL

Good luck, Miss Thang